Forcing laughter, faking smiles

So, I’ve had the urge to write for a while, but I’m just now actually sitting down and doing it. Mainly cause lonelycheese15 told me I needed to. She’s actually probably the only one who will even read this, but oh well. If anyone else is reading this, I’m warning you now, it’s mainly a rant about my oh so wonderful life.

This past week or so has been pretty interesting. Had a situation involving me, my best friend, and her fiance. Basically I was an idiot and wrote some stuff I shouldn’t have. I didn’t intend to share it, but I broke down and did. That’s when it all went to hell. I never truly thought I had a shot up until a couple months ago, but I let that slight glimmer of hope get the best of me and acted like a real bitch. So now her fiance doesn’t like me all that much and doesn’t want me to come visit them once they get settled in Puerto Rico. I really hope one day I can make him see that I really do care about him, almost as much as I care about her. Maybe in time, things will calm down. I would love to be able and go visit them both like I was planning. I guess my plans are on hold for now. The one good thing is, now I have a little longer to save and plan for the trip.

Next, I’m tired of people worried about my sex life. Yes, I’m a single, 22 year old virgin. Get the fuck over it. I’ve had my opportunities; I just haven’t found anyone that I trusted enough to have sex with. I’m sorry, but if guy is going to be putting his dick inside me, I need to know that he’s being honest when I ask him if he’s clean, and I need to know that if something happens and the protection doesn’t work, I’m not going to be dealing with a pregnancy by myself. So sorry that I haven’t conformed to society and had a bunch of sex yet. And while on the subject of sex, just because I am bisexual does NOT mean I’m going to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend. Especially not when you completely forgot about me for a good year and a half and just recently started talking to me again. Don’t even pretend you know me. If you knew me, you’d know I have moods where I don’t want to talk to ANYONE. I have moods where I just want to hide myself away from everyone with only my stuffed animals for company. Just because I say nothing is up doesn’t mean something is wrong. It’s actually a GOOD thing for me to not have a whole list of things wrong. So seriously, back the fuck off. I’m not sleeping with you, I’m not sleeping with your girl. There are only like 2 people who I’m attracted to and trust enough to sleep with and you aren’t on the list.

The lack of religious tolerance frustrates me. That plus people thinking the Bible is the law of the land instead of the Constitution. Separation of church and state is a fairly basic concept people. I could write a whole blog on this subject alone, but seriously…just let people believe how they want to believe. And don’t make people go to church if all you’re going to do is sleep through the entire sermon. I believe what I want to believe. For the most part it’s different from my family’s viewpoint. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, and it certainly doesn’t mean I want your viewpoints shoved down my throat every single day.

Finally, for god’s sake shut up about the Steelers. Great, they made it to the Super Bowl. No need to change the Lord’s Prayer to say something about the Steelers and do a ton of other stupid little things to spam my facebook newsfeed. And get off your damn high horse. Everyone is entitled to their opinion; people are allowed to say the Steelers suck just like you are allowed to say they are the most amazing team ever. Just because someone lives in “Steelers country” doesn’t automatically make them a Steelers fan. I’ll stick with my Cowboys, no matter what their record was, thank you very much.

Never Right

I am never right.  It’s a simple fact of life that I really should just learn to accept.  Despite a few of my friends claiming that I am actually right most times, I am not often right.  Even when I think I’m doing the right thing, I’m not right.

All summer, my grandmother urged me to get a job.  I tried.  I applied several places, but did exclude fast food.  I didn’t get hired anywhere, so all summer, grandma complained about me not having a job.  Well I’ve got a job now.  It may only be seasonal, but I at least have a job currently.  You’d think that would make her happy.

Well, the saying about what happens when you assume has definitely proven itself true.  Ever since I was hired, I’ve heard nothing but complaints from her.  The first was the fact that my interview and orientation were on Sundays.  Now the complaint is about my late hours.  I understand it’s not the ideal situation, but honestly there is absolutely nothing I can do.  I’m the low man on the totem pole; I take what hours they’ll give me.  If I tell them I can’t work after 5 pm and can’t work at all on Sundays, do you think I’m actually going to get any hours?

I understand transportation is a big issue, but honestly, I will find my way home.  I understand that everyone desires for me to get my permit, but honestly it will not help the current situation. I have to have it for 30 days before I am allowed to even test for the license.  Plus I do not have a car and cannot afford a car on my own, unless I use the money I have set aside for college.  Life isn’t ideal.  We have to work through less than ideal situations.  If you told me 5 years ago that at this point in time I would be barely a sophomore, living with Grandma, and without a license, I would have laughed at you.  But that’s the point I’m at today, and all I can do is just continue to work towards my ultimate goal.

Just let me be 21, let me make my own decisions.  It’s not the best situation, but I just need to make the best of it.  It may not be really safe walking at night, but honestly, is it any worse than when I walked after dark in Clarksburg or Morgantown?  Is it truly safe in the daylight?  I could be run over walking to the bus to go to work tomorrow.  You never know what’s going to happen from day to day, so you can’t live your life in fear.  You have to just take one day at a time and live each day as if you were dying.  You can’t be afraid of dying.  It happens to everyone.  I may die tomorrow by getting run over.  I may die 70 years from now just from old age.  I’m just going to live to the best of my ability.  So, JUST LET ME LIVE!!!

Summit = Epic Fail

Two days ago, I saw a press release from Summit Entertainment, the company that produces the Twilight saga, stating that Bryce Dallas Howard would be replacing Rachelle LeFevre as Victoria in the upcoming movie Eclipse.  I was shocked to say the least.  Just a couple days ago, Rachelle was talking about how excited she was to film Eclipse, because for those that don’t know, Eclipse is when Victoria gets the most attention because she is the main bad guy.  Though I loved the way Rachelle portrayed Victoria in Twilight, Eclipse was going to be the movie where she could really prove that she was Victoria.

Sadly that won’t happen because of the idiot executives at Summit.

In the first press release, Summit cited scheduling conflicts and made it sound like the split was amicable.  That’s not the case.  Rachelle was just as surprised as any Twilight fan when Ron Howard’s daughter was announced as the new Victoria. As for the “scheduling conflict”, it involved an overlap of ten days.  Yes,  you heard right, ten days.  Then Summit fires back after Rachelle releases her statement basically pointing the finger of blame at Rachelle, saying that she knew about when filming would take place, and that she wasn’t truly passionate about Eclipse.

Excuse me, Rachelle not passionate about the Twilight saga?  If that’s true, then NO ONE in the cast is passionate about the Twilight saga, and Summit should just replace everyone.  Obviously there are two sides to this story, just like there are two sides to every story.  Summit says Rachelle is at fault, Rachelle says she didn’t know that accepting a short side project would cause her to be replaced, and the fans are up in arms, many calling, emailing, and writing Summit to get Rachelle back.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know the whole story, but I do know a few things.

Rachelle is not the first cast member to have a side project going on during filming.  During Twilight, Cam Gigandet (aka James) had scheduling conflicts so his scenes were shot around his other schedule.  In fact, they shot the big ballet scene FIRST, because he was working on something else.  New Moon filming was somewhat worked around Jackson Rathbone’s schedule, with his scenes being shot toward the beginning of filming so that he could go shoot The Last Airbender.  Why could Rachelle not be accommodated like the others?

I may not know much about Hollywood, but I would be willing to bet that recasting doesn’t usually take just a couple days.  This means that Summit has been looking to recast for a few months.

Rachelle actually turned down several bigger offers that would have involved longer shooting schedules because of Eclipse.  She picked this indie film because it had a very short shooting schedule that she thought could be worked around (just like it was worked around for Cam and Jackson).  Doesn’t that say she’s committed?  Can you fault her for wanting one tiny side project?

Rachelle is one of the most passionate of the entire cast.  She is always out there, giving Twitter updates, interacting with fans, and promoting the saga as much as possible.  You can’t say that about the entire cast.  Nikki Reed has basically been missing in action the entire summer (though she did come to the special Twilight screening at comic con).

It is never a good idea to recast in the middle of a movie series or TV show.  Sometimes it can’t be avoided, such as when an actor dies (like in Harry Potter).  But, to be honest, it took the new Headmaster Dumbledore a couple movies to finally become the Dumbledore we all know and love.  The Twilight saga doesn’t have a couple of movies for Bryce to slip into the role of Victoria; Victoria dies during Eclipse.

I honestly think that having Bryce as Victoria will ruin Eclipse. I have no clue what kind of actress she is; I’d never even heard of her until Summit announced her casting.  She will ruin it because quite simply, Rachelle is Victoria.  Rachelle made Victoria by taking a character that was written on a piece of paper and making her real, and for the most part, people want Rachelle to continue being Victoria.

I’m going to go see New Moon.  Rachelle is still Victoria in that one.  But I honestly don’t know if I will go see Eclipse if Bryce is Victoria. Eclipse is my favorite book and the movie that I was most looking forward to, but I honestly don’t know if I will want to go see it.  I am quite capable of holding off and not seeing movies; I still haven’t seen the newest Underworld or Saw.

I know some people are going to agree with me.  I know some people are going to disagree.  Honestly, if you are just going to yell at me, or just tell me how ridiculous I’m being because it’s “just a movie” don’t even bother leaving a comment.  This is how I feel and how I will continue to feel because I feel that a great injustice has occurred.

All great games have their faults…

For about a month now, I’ve been playing a game called Wizard 101.  My cousin got me hooked on it when I was at his house for a visit.  It’s really a great game.  It’s got turn based fights using spells that are located on cards, plus customizeable characters, plus it involves wizards.  I can go through the game at my own pace, and while some areas do cost money to access, the cost is very reasonable.

Unfortunately in my time playing I’ve discovered a major downfall, the menu chat.  The menu chat is required for players under 13, although anyone can use it.  It consists of a preset number of phrases that can be said, so you can talk but only if it’s one of the approved phrases.  It’s great and prevents a lot of younger kids from saying and/or seeing bad words and helps protect them from giving out personal information, but they don’t have quite all the phrases they need to have.

I’ll accept almost anyone as a friend, because usually they want my help for a mission, then they go about their own business.  So a couple days ago I accepted a friend request from a higher level person with menu chat (instead of text chat which is what I have).  Using menu chat she then asked me to help her in Marleybone, which is a world I haven’t gotten to yet. I told her, using menu chat, that I didn’t have that quest.  So she then asked me if I needed help with any quests, so I told her about one of my quests in Krokotopia.  After she helped me with that, she again asked if I would help her in Marleybone.  I agreed, though I figured I’d probably die fairly easy.  She told me to teleport to her, and I tried.  I purchased the area, but unfortunately the area had to load.  She kept asking me to teleport to her, and the most I could say was wait a minute.  I couldn’t explain to her that Marleybone was loading, or that I couldn’t teleport to her. Finally after about 10 minutes of waiting, I could finally access Marleybone…only to be stuck at a loading screen when I tried to follow her into an elevator.  At this point, I gave up for the night and vowed to think twice before agreeing to help someone with menu chat.

Well for the past couple days, I’ve been farming bosses I’ve already defeated to earn some gold and XP and potentially some better gear.  Iwent in the Throne Room of Fire on Krokotopia and was on the last boss.  I was holding my own (I would have been doing great if my death spells hadn’t fizzled) when another person from my friends list ported in.  At first I didn’t mind because she was one I had teamed up with a few times and she showed herself to be pretty good at battling.  But after a 3rd enemy had been brought in, she just disappeared.  After her disappearing act, I died because I couldn’t handle 3 on 1.

So menu chat needs a couple more phrases added.  One could be, That location is still loading.  Another could be, May I port to you or May I join your battle.  Finally maybe add, Ask before porting/joining.  Anyway that’s just my two cents.

Church Chat

Today I went to a town hall style meeting at the church I attend.  The meeting was to discuss possible changes in the church in order to reach out to people better. Usually  I don’t get involved in church business seeing as how I’m not even a Christian, but for some reason I felt compelled to go and speak my opinion about ways to change the church for better.

A few weeks ago, the congregation was given a survey about the quality of the worship service.  We were asked to rate different aspects of the service (from 1-10) on how meaningful each part is, rate how you feel the service helps you encounter God, rate how well the service reaches different age groups, and then state how much change you were comfortable with and what kind of change you thought was needed.  I’ll be honest, when I filled out the survey, most things got low marks.  The current service caters to my grandmother’s generation.  It honestly doesn’t speak to me really at all.

At the church chat, I was pleased to see that the majority of people believe that change is a good thing and needed in order to draw more young people, more of my generation into the church and to retain them long term.  There were a variety of ideas: get rid of certain things, add certain things, get people to attend Sunday School, bring back the praise band, start an additional contemporary service.  For the most part people were open.

Unfortunately, and I’m sure this is true in most churches, some people are very resistant to change and those people seem to be some of the most vocal people in the church.  The pastor suggested that instead of saying the Lord’s Prayer every Sunday, we only say it on communion Sunday and I thought a couple people were going to have coronaries because of the suggestion.  I’m afraid this might halt any good changes the church might try to implement, just because the minority is so vocal.

I made one suggestion, adding more modern Christian music to the service at least occasionally.  After all, people my age are more likely to listen to it on a daily basis than listen to some of the old hymns.  We are the future of the church after all, so they should at least consider trying to help us on our journey.  The pastor brought up a good point that people my age tend to discover God more through acts than traditional church services.  They are more likely to do some good for someone and discover God, or go to camp or some sort of rally and discover God then discover God sitting in church every Sunday morning.  I know that’s true for me.  I’m more likely to finally discover God through music, my friends, and just my own journey of self discovery than I am sitting in a sanctuary every Sunday.

I didn’t really cause problems, though one time I was very close to turning around and going off on someone.  This lady, probably around my aunt’s age, starts talking about how the sermon is supposed to be what’s reaching you and that if the sermon isn’t reaching you then you probably don’t have a strong faith in Christ and shouldn’t even be in church.  Well, last I checked, the church’s main purpose was to bring new people to Christ and help EVERYONE grow in their faith and help further their relationship with God.  The church should want more unsaved people, like me, to come in and attend services because for each unsaved person who attends, that’s one more potential Christian.  The sermon isn’t necessarily going to be what reaches everyone the strongest.  For me, music will always reach me the strongest.  I can understand wanting to keep the sermon the main part of the service, but she had no right to basically say that if you couldn’t be reached by the sermon, it was your own fault.  Every single time I’ve even gotten somewhat close to becoming a Christian, it’s been because of a song I heard or sang, not because of the sermon I just heard.

What’s the correct answer? Heck if I know.  But I have a feeling that the church will get nowhere, simply because some people are so resistant to change.  If change doesn’t occur, then eventually all the older people are going to die off, and the young people like me who have never been touched by the services, who have never become Christian, are going to stop going because their families stop making them go.  The future of the church depends on reaching people like me; they should really listen to people like me when we give them ideas.

Engagements Popping Up Everywhere!

The number of people my age getting engaged and/or married astounds me. I now have four people who are or were in my close circle of friends that are now engaged, with at least three of those four planning on getting married within the next year (the other one just got engaged last night, so I doubt she’s set a date). Then, if we go on to the people who I just know but aren’t close to, the number increases dramatically. I don’t know the exact number but there’s got to be at least ten.

I’m really just struggling with the idea that several people my age are getting married. I know that 21 is actually a fairly normal age to get married; several family members, including my parents, were married around the age of 21. I guess maybe the reason I’m struggling so much is that even if I did have a steady boyfriend who I’d been dating for a couple years, I don’t think I’d be ready to get married.

Maybe they are just more mature than I am. Maybe they are in a different stage of life than I am, despite us all being approximately the same age. Maybe I’m just thinking too much and instead should just sit back, wish them congratulations, and quit trying to understand something that I will never understand.

Never before have I really actually been content being single. But right now, in this very moment, I’m kind of glad that I’m not in a relationship. I’m glad that I’m not engaged. I do wish I were in a relationship simply because I wish I had someone I could lean on no matter what happens. But other than that, I’m ok being single.

Right now I don’t want to worry about trying to plan a wedding or face the stress of having to pick bridesmaids from among my friends and sisters. I don’t want to have to worry about the cost of the wedding at the same time I’m trying to find enough money to be able to eventually finish school. I don’t want the anxiety of worrying if I’m truly making the right decision. I don’t want the anxiety that will surely plague me on my wedding night.

I’m not saying I’ll never get married. I would love to get married to the right guy and have a family. But what I am saying is, I’m not ready. I don’t know how many 21 year olds are truly ready. At 21, you’re still sort of stuck in between what’s left of your childhood and truly being an adult. Most are still holding on to some childhood things while trying to become a self sufficient adult. I know I’m not ready to share every single aspect of my life with another person. My best friends are the only ones who have ever been able to handle who I am. So, unless I marry one of them, which is illegal in most states, I guess I’m going to continue waiting until I find the guy who can handle every aspect of my life and vice versa. I don’t know how anyone could actually truly be ready, no matter the age, but I guess that maybe those who are engaged know something I don’t.

So I guess I’m going to offer my congratulations to those of my friends and acquaintances who are taking this big leap. Then I’m going right back to my fantasy world of vampires, wizards, dragons, and any other mythical creature you can think of. I’m going to go back to playing my video games and reading my fan fiction. It may not be very adult like, but it’s who I am. Talk to me five years from now; maybe by then I’ll be able to comprehend getting married. For right now, the single, slightly immature life is the one I’m going to lead.

Organized religion

Another Sunday, another forced trip to church. You’d think at 21 I’d be able to choose for myself whether or not I choose to attend religious services. But alas, I have to go whether I’m at my grandma’s or at my parent’s. They all are under the impression that if they force me to go, eventually I’ll “find God” and be saved and baptized and join the church and be a good little Christian. I hate to tell them, but that isn’t going to happen the way they think it will.

A good portion of my family is Christian, along with most of my friends. I have no problem with them being Christians, except when religion is being pushed on me. I’m just saying that I have some qualms with Christianity, especially when it comes to the organized religion aspect of it, which will have to be dealt with before I ever go up in front of a room of people and publicly declare myself to be a follower of Jesus. I’m honestly not sure if that public declaration will ever come.

While watching the actions of so-called “Christians”, at times I’m actually glad that I don’t consider myself Christian. Basically from what I’ve encountered, if you aren’t like them or aren’t active in the church, they look down on you. I’ve been sneered at countless times at both churches that I’ve regularly attended, usually by the little old ladies. I know my grandma has been told that I wear black too often, which I really can’t help because my suit is black and the only dress pants and skirt I own are both black. But it’s not just the way I’ve been treated. According to the Bible, Christians are supposed to be like Jesus. They are supposed to be caring and kind to ALL, including non-Christians. Yet I constantly see “Christians” bashing other groups of people, especially homosexuals.

I understand that there argument is that the Bible states that homosexuality is wrong. This is true. But in that very same chapter of the Bible (Leviticus to be exact) it talks about other things you should not do that everyone seems to now ignore (except the Jewish). Pigs are unclean animals and we aren’t supposed to eat them. Tell me, how many of you eat pork or ham? Did you know that women are considered unclean during their period and men are considered unclean after an emission of semen? Anyone who touches them during their period of uncleanness becomes unclean themselves. Giving birth was also considered unclean. Do you know what being unclean means? It means that you are not acceptable in God’s eyes. So my period and any future sex or childbirths will make me unacceptable in God’s eyes for a period of time?

I know that someone is going to bring up something about the difference between the old and new testaments and how Jesus died for our sins. But the way I see it, if the Old Testament wasn’t important, it wouldn’t still be in print today. It wouldn’t be featured in most Bibles. Plus quite a bit of the New Testament is based on the Old Testaments teachings. It is just as important as the New Testament (no matter what anyone else might think this is my opinion) so if you are going to point out one sin, let’s point out all of them. I also have a problem with people saying that if you are of a different religion, you are going to hell. The Jewish religion is the religion that Christianity came from. Jesus was a Jew after all. You’re telling me that they are going to hell? There has got to be a reason why we have so many different religions. It can’t be just a matter of, believe this way or spend eternity suffering. Couldn’t it be possible that just having faith in a supreme being will take you far enough?

Finally, I have a problem with the role of women as presented in the Bible and in the church. Women are seen as submissive and subservient to men. I get the whole, woman was made from man’s rib story. Why does that make men better? If you think about it, maybe men were the rough draft. Then there’s the argument about Eve caused Adam to sin. Well, lots of people believe in free will. Adam chose to eat the fruit, just as Eve did. They BOTH ignored God’s directive and ate it anyway. How does that make man better than woman? Men were allowed to have multiple wives; they ruled the household. Heck it even says that women are supposed to serve their husbands and obey them. My question is why? Are you telling me that just because they have a penis I should listen to them? Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, but ultimately they are similar. Anatomically different yes, but otherwise pretty similar. So really, someone please explain to me why I’m supposed to submit to a person with a penis just because I lack one.

You can’t tell me things have changed that much since the Bible was first written. Organized religion is still dominated by males. There are way more male preachers and deacons than female preachers and deaconesses. The traditional wedding vows still have the woman say she will obey the man, but the man does not have to make the same promise. I wouldn’t have as much of a problem if the man also promised to obey the woman, but the way it is, it’s a one sided unfair promise. Women nowadays don’t need a man to provide for them. We can think for ourselves. So why are we allowing ourselves to be ruled by men when we go to organized religious services every Sunday? I don’t know if I’ll ever “find God”, but I won’t do it while being forced to go. I’m much more likely to do it talking with open minded people and discussing my qualms.

Just in case anyone was wondering, this was spurred cause we filled out surveys about the services today in church. I was pretty harsh, I’ll admit. But I was honest. They don’t do much for me, and frankly they don’t do much for anyone my age (which explains why there are less than 10 people around my age attending church). Maybe they should add some newer Christian music. That’s the one thing that has ever gotten me close to “finding God”.

The mistakes I’ve made

Usually I deal with the mistakes I’ve made fairly easily.  I recognize that I had a bout of stupidity during my freshman year of college.  I realize that I might have done some things I shouldn’t have in a misguided attempt to make Amanda like me more.  I accept that I can’t change the past.  I then think to how it actually turned into a decent situation.  I was available to come help with my grandfather when it got to the point that Grandma couldn’t handle him anymore.  My presence allowed him to stay safely in his home until the week before his death when he was transported to the hospital.  Because of that my family didn’t have to deal with the pain and expense of placing Grandpa in a nursing home.

Yet sometimes my emotions just get the best of me.  For the past 2 years, the worst time has been right around all the high school and college graduations.  The college graduations don’t currently hit me very hard.  I just usually think about what year I”m supposed to be as opposed to what year I am.  Next year will be hard I’m sure because it’s the year I should be graduating and most of my friends will be graduating next year.  But for the past 2 years high school graduations have caused me some heartache.  I hear everyone talk to these high school graduates about how the next stage of their life is beginning and how they have so much potential.   That of course starts me thinking about my own high school graduation 3 years ago.

I had that potential.  I was in the top 10% of my graduating class.  I took the hardest classes possible.  I practically had a full ride to WVU, the school that I one day wanted to end up at (though not necessarily to start at).  I was going into a career field that everyone assured me that I would excel at and make lots of money eventually.

Things changed.  I couldn’t just breeze through classes any more.  I was home sick and had to make completely new friends.  My roommate and I were complete opposites.  I started doing poorly in Calculus, despite my best efforts, and that was the beginning of the end.

I don’t need to recount all the events because everyone knows them.  I was lost, completely and utterly lost.  Amanda convinced me that my parents didn’t know what they were talking about, that they were the enemy.  She convinced me I was an adult, when truly I was still a child.  Many things happened and at my very lowest moment, my aunt somehow found me and got through to me.  She became the connection that reunited me with my family and I agreed to help with my Grandpa.

I can’t get over my mistakes though.  I can’t get over the way I completely ruined everything that I had going for me.  I could be getting ready for my senior year of school.  I could have a nice internship somewhere in my related job field to make some money over the summer.  I could be set to graduate debt free.  I could be in the same area as my friends, having all kinds of adventures.

Instead I’m just now barely a sophomore.  I’m looking for some minimum wage job to work at just to get out of the house so I don’t go insane.  I’m currently not in debt, but the money I’ve saved will run out before I graduate.  I don’t really know anyone here and most of my friends live 2 hours away.

Everyone tells me to just move on from the past.  It’s just so hard though.  I’ve let down so many people, but most of all I let down myself.

Yet, even despite the pain the past causes me, I acknowledge that it also made me who I am today.  I’m not the same person I was 3 years ago.  I like to think I’m better.  My actions in the past did lead me to my best friend and I wouldn’t trade her for anything.  The thing is, knowing what I know now, I’d probably do everything the same, cause otherwise I would have never met my best friend.  I can’t imagine my life without her.  I might change one or two minor things, but nothing that would ultimately alter my path.

So I guess ultimately the past is a double bladed sword.  It can be the cause of pain because I tend to replay my past actions in my head quite frequently.  Yet it is also a cause of happiness due to the person I am and the people I’ve met.

Early morning ramblings

This has got to be a record, even for my grandma.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone piss me off before 6 am before.  Even when grandpa would get me up, I wasn’t pissed off;  I just considered myself unlucky.  Usually she waits until at least 8 to piss me off but not today.

I really hate having to get up between 5 and 6 just to help her get dressed.  I spend 10 minutes getting her ready, then I have nothing to do.  I know she hates it when I go back to bed, but really what else am I supposed to do that early?  We watch the news umpteen times a day, so I don’t need to be up to watch it.  The weather I can get online.  If I eat that early, I tend to get sick (which really sucks because I was honestly sick to my stomach pretty much every day I went to school because of how early I had to eat).  So I go back to bed until a more reasonable hour.

Well this morning I go up like I usually do and she starts rambling about something like she usually does.  Most of the time I ignore her because I hate having conversations when I’m still half asleep.  But then she said something about how it wasn’t supposed to rain this morning so maybe I could get at least the front lawn mowed.  I explained to her that the grass would be wet (which isn’t good for the mower).  She said that waiting would make it worse, so basically that was her way of telling me to do it without directly saying it (I hate that).  It has been raining, almost non-stop, for about the past week.  The ground is completely drenched.  The grass is wet.  The mower has proven in the  past that, especially with the front yard, it can’t handle wet grass.  It tends to clog up about every 5 minutes and just stop.  Today of all days I don’t have time to mess with it.  Then she said she wants me to plant the cucumbers today.  I asked if it could wait until Monday, and she got disgusted and said she guessed but that she’d been meaning to tell me since May 1.

Why do I have no time today?  Because I have my Economics final tomorrow.  I have my take home exam to finish, my notes to finish and print out, and I still would like to study some.  I personally am trying for an A.  I don’t really have the time today to mow and plant and do whatever else she feels like having me do.  I had already decided that I couldn’t get out of cooking dinner and I figured I could handle it if I had to go to the grocery store.  But now I have to go out and fight with the mower?  The grass is WET.  Not only is it bad for the mower, it’s bad for me.  My ankle is still weak from my fall this winter, and wet grass means a better chance of me slipping.  I don’t see why I can’t just wait until Monday.  I’d do it earlier but I’m going home.  But Monday I don’t have an Economics final the next day at 8 am.  I’d be more than happy to do it then.  Just not today.  I don’t want my stress added to today.

Kryptonite

Have you ever come across that one person who, despite your best efforts, is one of the most important people in the world to you?  The one person who you would follow to the ends of the Earth, just hoping that maybe today will be the day they glance your way.  The person you don’t think you can live without, when in all actuality you live without them every day of your life.  A person who you love, but who doesn’t love  you in return.  It’s the person who you have so many things that you wish to tell them, but when it comes down to it you are too scared of rejection to truly let them know how you feel.

I call this person kryptonite.  I guess it shows how much of a geek I am, but I think it’s rather appropriate.    Kryptonite is the one substance that can truly make Superman powerless.  I think most people, at one time in their lives, will encounter a person who is their kryptonite, a person who makes them powerless.  They don’t necessarily control you; you just are so enamored by them that you will do anything to attempt to make them happy, even sometimes going against your morals and beliefs.  And in the end, no matter how many times you try to get away, you come back to them, until the day that you finally manage to find the strength to walk away for good.

I think we all have to have our own version of kryptonite in order to fully come into our own.  I m ean, if you look around, you’ll see examples of it everywhere.  Superman has kryptonite.  The Jedi have creatures called Ysalimari.  Vampires deal with consequences from sunlight.  They all have things to overcome in their lives.  Then there’s an example that hits closer to home.  *spoiler for anyone who hasn’t read all the Anita Blake books*  Anita Blake’s kryptonite is Richard Zeeman.  They have an on again off again relationship and he is her weakness until in the later books when she realizes that, though he may be bonded to her and Jean Claude and be the other third of their triumvirate, that’s all he has to be to her.  He doesn’t have to be her lover or future husband or food for her needs.  She realizes she can be strong enough to walk away.

So with several examples, it comes as no surprise to me that I have my own personal kryptonite.  I started calling him that as a joke with my friends one of the times when he and I were in between dating, but now I realize how true the term really is.  He’s the one person I can’t give up.  I tried to give him up when I dated Chris; I really did.  I did everything I could to push him away because Chris was jealous of him (and I guess he should have been).  Yet as soon as Chris and I broke up, I went right back to my kryptonite and begged his forgiveness.  So now I sit around waiting for him to talk to me.  I wait around, hoping he’ll realize how much he means to me.  I know he’s probably not my best option, but I just can’t walk away.   Then again, maybe I’m his kryptonite.  Every time he’s single, he comes running back to me.  Every time he needs someone to talk to, he talks to me.  It doesn’t matter how many people either of us date; in time we always wind up back where we are now, talking with and flirting with each other.

I try to build up my strength.  All my friends have told me he’s not good enough for me.  But I’m not strong enough yet.  I’m not strong enough to walk away without looking back, without wondering what could have happened had I just hung around a little longer.  But I’m trying.  I’m trying to listen to what my friends are saying and to take my strength from the love they have for me.  Eventually, whether its a few weeks or a few years from now, I’ll break free of my kryptonite’s hold and be able to walk away a stronger woman.

Either that or my best friend and I will move to Vermont to get married and just give up on guys all together.